If you’re new to setting boundaries, the act of putting up walls might sound like the opposite of a healthy, thriving relationship. After all, isn’t the goal of intimacy to become more vulnerable and encourage closeness in your relationship?
Sure, it might be clunky in the beginning, but taking time to understand your – and your partner’s – limits and needs paves the way for healthy connection, respect, fulfillment, and comfort. With the right boundaries in place, you can grow and deepen your bond in a way that facilitates trust and acceptance.
In this blog, we’ll explore what healthy boundary setting looks like, why you might have a hard time with setting boundaries, and how to establish boundaries with someone in your life.
Want support in building healthy relationships – without neglecting your own mental health in the process? Find an Ellie therapist near you to get started.
What Are Boundaries in a Relationship?
Healthy boundaries in a relationship are essential for nurturing mutual respect and emotional security. They encompass emotional, physical, and mental dimensions that help clarify acceptable behavior and what you’re comfortable with:
- Emotionally, boundaries focus on self-respect, open dialogue about feelings, and encouraging individual growth. Partners should feel comfortable sharing their emotions and set guidelines for conflict resolution.
- Physically, boundaries entail honoring personal space, obtaining consent in intimate situations, and finding a balance between time spent together and apart.
- Mentally, boundaries involve respecting each other’s thoughts and beliefs, supporting independent decision-making, and prioritizing mental wellness.
Establishing these boundaries requires clear communication, active listening, and adaptability as the relationship matures. Both partners must be dedicated to honoring each other’s limits and addressing any violations in a constructive manner, fostering a supportive environment where both individuals can flourish. If you’re looking for more examples of boundaries, or ways to actually set boundaries, read on! I also recommend checking out this awesome book for an even deeper look.
Why Are Boundaries Important in a Relationship?
Boundaries are crucial in a relationship. Picture a space where you and your partner can spill your hearts out, fearlessly. It’s about safety. Respect. It’s about protecting your mental well-being, starting the kind of chats that make you feel heard, understood. And it’s about thriving, both as a power duo and as individuals.
Healthy relationship boundaries are important because they help:
- Gain/maintain trust and respect
- Promote healthy interactions
- Build intimacy
- Strengthen communication
- Prevent misunderstandings
- Improve self-esteem
- Prevent codependency
You can’t assume that you and your partner will always be on the same page on what your relationship should look like. And while social media, your parents, and your friends might have a lot of opinions on what a “normal” relationship should look like, the reality is that each relationship is unique.
For example, if you don’t communicate with your partner that it’s important for you to have some time alone for self-care or other activities you enjoy, you might feel frustrated if you can’t seem to get some time to yourself and pursue your goals. And your partner, on the other hand, might feel neglected or hurt if they feel you don’t want to spend time with them.
Clear communication is key. If you can express to your partner that you actually aren’t upset with them when you don’t text them back during your hour-long yoga sesh and that your health and wellness is a priority to you, then they can go about their day feeling reassured that you actually aren’t ignoring them.
It sounds simple, right? But expressing our needs – small or big – isn’t always easy, especially if you are unpracticed in saying no or have been put down or hurt for this type of expression in the past. And you might find half the challenge is in communicating these needs in a way that is assertive while not coming off as confrontational or hurtful.
Unsure if your communication is healthy? Check out examples of gaslighting in our blog.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship
“Boundaries” is one of those overused “therapy-speak” words– so let’s actually dig into what we mean. Examples of healthy boundaries in a relationship include:
- Personal Boundaries
- Financial Boundaries
- Sexual Boundaries
- Emotional Boundaries
- Physical Boundaries
- Religious/Spiritual Boundaries
Personal Boundaries
These types of boundaries relate to your sense of self and personal space, allowing you to maintain individuality in the relationship. Truth is: it’s all about balance.
- Having time for hobbies or personal interests outside the relationship.
- Respecting privacy (e.g., not snooping on each other’s phones).
- Setting limits on how much time is spent together versus apart.
Financial Boundaries
No one wants to fight over money or how it’s spent. Getting clarity on financial boundaries can help reduce the conflict. Some examples might include:
- Discussing and agreeing on how bills will be shared.
- Setting limits on personal spending without needing approval.
- Communicating what’s important to you or what makes you feel more comfortable (i.e. keeping finances separate or not using credit cards).
- Deciding together on big financial decisions like buying a house or a car.
Sexual Boundaries
Sexual boundaries help create a foundation of mutual respect, safety, and trust in a relationship. When each person feels empowered to express their needs, preferences, and limits without fear of judgment or pressure, it opens the door for deeper connection and emotional intimacy. These boundaries aren’t about rejection—they’re about clarity, consent, and care, and they allow both partners to feel seen and respected. Healthy boundaries help prevent resentment, miscommunication, and hurt, making room for intimacy that is authentic, affirming, and aligned.
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries are essential in healthy relationships because they help each person stay connected to their own feelings and needs while respecting those of their partner. They create space for vulnerability without losing oneself, allowing both people to express emotions honestly without taking on responsibility for each other’s emotional experiences. When emotional boundaries are in place, partners can support each other without overextending, communicate more clearly, and avoid cycles of codependency or emotional burnout. This balance builds trust, stability, and a deeper sense of emotional safety in the relationship.
As a therapist, when I talk with clients about emotional boundaries, I often share a story from a few years ago about a client whose parents were going through a divorce. The client’s mother would frequently call to vent about the father, blurring the lines of the parent-child relationship. My client often felt stuck in the middle, overwhelmed by details they didn’t want—or need—to know, and unsure how to manage the emotional weight of the situation. This kind of boundary crossing can create confusion, guilt, and stress, especially when someone feels responsible for another person’s emotional wellbeing. It’s a powerful reminder of why emotional boundaries are so important: they protect our relationships from becoming entangled in ways that can be damaging or unsustainable.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries are a key part of feeling safe and respected in a relationship. They can look different for everyone—whether it’s needing space when you’re upset, setting preferences around affection, or simply feeling in control of your own body. When partners can openly talk about what feels good and what doesn’t, it builds trust and connection. Honoring each other’s physical boundaries doesn’t mean distance—it means creating a relationship where both people feel comfortable, respected, and safe being themselves.
Religious/Spiritual Boundaries
Religious or spiritual boundaries help partners honor their individual beliefs while creating space for mutual respect and understanding. Whether someone is deeply rooted in a faith tradition or doesn’t identify with one at all, being able to express those values without pressure to conform builds a strong foundation of trust. Healthy relationships don’t require shared beliefs, but they do require shared respect—knowing where each person stands and allowing room for those differences to exist without judgment or tension. These boundaries help protect each person’s sense of identity and make space for honest conversations, even when views diverge.
When to Set Boundaries in a Relationship
Setting boundaries might not be something you think about until you feel you have been used, disrespected, or burned in a relationship. And while getting hurt in a relationship is a good indicator that you could benefit from some boundaries, ideally, you should always have an understanding of what your boundaries are and communicate those with your partner from the very start.
So rather than being reactive in dealing with relationship issues, consider how being proactive could benefit your own health and your relationships. When setting boundaries, we encourage you to look in – not out. Rather than looking at your partner and things they do that make you upset and going from there, consider your own values, needs, and reactions.
7 Tips for Setting Healthy Relationship Boundaries
If you tend to run headfirst into relationships without setting boundaries, it can be difficult to know where to start. You might be anxious that your partner will misunderstand your reason for setting boundaries – and having these tough conversations can feel vulnerable and downright awkward. However, whether you are 16 or 66, your mental health matters – and boundaries are a positive step toward making your well-being a priority.
1. Come Prepared
Before starting the conversation, take time to ponder over what your boundaries are. Consider your values and your needs. Boundaries can cover a wide range of topics, such as time, texting and communication, sex and intimacy, emotions, and finances.
2. Remember the Goal
Boundaries are not a punishment or way to control or manipulate someone. Rather, boundaries exist to facilitate a relationship built on mutual understanding and healthy attachment.
3. Choose an Appropriate Time
Bringing up boundaries right after a big argument might not be the best time to start the convo. Make sure your partner is open and attentive and understands this is an important conversation to have.
4. Be Open and Honest
You don’t need to be ashamed of your boundaries. You are not needy or high maintenance for having them. Be honest about your boundaries, even when it comes to uncomfortable topics.
5. Listen to Your Partner
Your partner might have some pushback or reservations about your boundaries. They might have questions on why you’re setting them in the same place. Did they do something wrong? Are you trying to push them away? Take time to answer their questions and explain the whys, hows, and whats.
6. Learn Your Partner’s Boundaries
Learn if your partner is open and ready to discuss their own boundaries. It’s important you know how to respect and value your partner’s needs as well. If they’re not sure where to start, you can ask some questions such as “what does healthy communication look like to you?” “What are you comfortable with in this situation?” “What do you need to stay physically and emotionally healthy?”
7. Speak Up When a Boundary Is Crossed
Setting boundaries is only half the challenge. Maintaining boundaries can be more challenging than you might realize, and it’s not unlikely that a boundary might get crossed.
Maintaining boundaries is a two-way street. On one hand, your partner needs to respect the boundaries you have both discussed. However, you need to stand firm in the boundaries you set for yourself and speak up if it’s been crossed. And if your boundaries are consistently being crossed – despite being clearly communicated – this can put your relationship at risk. This is a sign your partner does not prioritize your needs.
Get Support in Building Thriving, Healthy Relationships
What does a healthy relationship actually look like? We see examples from parents, other couples, books, and TV, and the reality is it’s so hard to know what a real thriving relationship looks like. Setting boundaries might not feel like a scene from the Titanic, but trust us when we say this is the real good stuff. To feel validated, accepted, and respected is the foundation of love and companionship – and you should never settle for less.
We know that relationships are so so hard. Couples counseling can support you in setting boundaries and building a healthy relationship that doesn’t compromise your health and well-being in the long run. Practicing self-love is also a key part in setting boundaries and can build the foundation for a healthy relationship.
Seeking individual or couples therapy near you? Find an Ellie therapist near you to get started.
